Funny Quotes: Indulge in a world of laughter with our curated collection of hilarious and witty quotes. These gems of humor are guaranteed to brighten your day and bring a smile to your face. From clever one-liners to cleverly crafted quips, our funny quotes cover a wide range of topics, ensuring there’s something for everyone. Whether you’re in need of a mood boost or simply looking to share a chuckle with friends and family, our collection is your go-to source for comedic inspiration. Explore the lighter side of life and let the laughter begin!
Funny Quotes
- “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright
- “I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown
- “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips
Funny Quotes
- “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” -Mindy Kaling
- “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” -Elbert Hubbard
- “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” -Mae West
- “Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.” — Dorothy Parker
- “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” -Albert Einstein
- “I like freedom. I wake up in the morning and say, ‘I don’t know, would I have a popsicle or a donut?’ You know, who knows?” – Oscar Nunez
- “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” – Steven Wright “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” -Cathy Guisewite
- “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” -Anonymous
Funny Quotes
- “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.” – Unknown
- “When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.” -Lily Tomlin
- “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams
- “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” -Sir Norman Wisdom
- “I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.” -Ouiser Boudreaux
- “Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.” – Albert Einstein
- “Well, you know what they say: If you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me.”-Clairee Belcher
- “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” — Ellen DeGeneres
Funny Quotes
- “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”- Mark Twain
- “A woman is like a tea bag: You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”-Eleanor Roosevelt
- “Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” – Leslie Nielsen
- “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” – George Carlin
- “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”-Benjamin Franklin
- “It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.” – unknown
- “They love their hair because they’re not smart enough to love something more interesting.” Unknown
- “When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'” – Groucho Marx
Funny Quotes
- “I drink to make other people more interesting.” -Ernest Hemingway
- “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” – Unknown
- “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” – Will Rogers
- “No man goes before his time — unless his boss leaves early.” – Groucho Marx
- “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb. And I also know that I’m not blonde.” -Dolly Parton
- “It takes less time to do a thing right than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
- “Every day I get up and look through the ‘Forbes’ list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” -Robert Orben
- “There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
- “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.”- Bill Gates
- “Education costs money. But then again, so does ignorance.” -Sir Claus Moser
- “Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.”-Blanche Devereaux
- “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” – Les Dawson
- “An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” -Niels Bohr
- “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
- “Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays.” -Mokokoma Mokhonoana
- ”My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.”-Garry Shandling
- “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.” -Sophia Petrillo
- “Experience Is what you get when you don’t get what you want.” -Tori Filler
- “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”-Steven Wright
- “I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat.”-Pam Beesly,
- “You never become a howling success by just howling.” -Bob Harrington
- “Do not be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” -Zig Ziglar
- “Trying is the first step toward failure.”- Homer Simpson, The Simpsons